One year and two days

I wasn't really planning on posting about this. I was going to let the day pass, unrecognized and unheralded, but something about the sunset, which was the most incandescent shade of pink and sulked around the hills, and later the newish moon floating mistily out my window made me want to mention it. That and the tea and shortbread; one man's tea is another woman's drug. One year and two days ago, about this time of evening, in fact, Joel told me that he was breaking up with me and sent me crashing headlong into what was definitely the worst year of my life. I could never have imagined the pain and, let's face it, betrayal that I would feel, nor the absolute agony of everyday living for months. This past weekend had some very odd moments when I would suddenly realize things like "one year ago today, I had no clue what was about to happen to me" and "we would have been having our last conversation as a couple right now." I wasn't bowled over by torrents of tears, but I had some temporal displacement moments (see below post about Super Metroid. The parallels in life are … odd.) when I almost couldn't believe the whole last year had actually happened. It seemed impossible that something that awful could ever really be (and yes I do know that there are worse things in the world, trust me).

However, and it's a big 'however,' while this last year sucked in ways I never, ever, ever care to repeat, it had some amazingly excellent moments, too. This post isn't a plea for pity or a whinefest (especially not pity. Now I understand how heroines always feel when they are being pitied. I believe "aaeeYAAAGGGHHaaaagAaAAGH" about sums it up.). This post is about the fact that I am alive, and not just alive, but doing okay. I'm sure I learned plenty of harsh lessons about life and people and fairytales, but I also got some spectacular memories from living with Nan and Moo and from the friends and family who have remained constant in my life, even when I couldn't have been at all pleasant to be around (quote SOB I miss him so much WEEP Oh Joel, how could you WAIL I can't survive this end quote). This summer was incredible: chasing thunderstorms, picnicking on Mt. Ashland, sitting on the front patio of our house listening to the trees and smelling the jasmine, walking around the school field while the dusk gathered. I don't know if it was necessarily sweeter because of the winter that preceded it, but I know that in the springtime, when I first started to feel anything like myself again, every moment of happiness was precious because I had gone months without them. *laughs* If you had talked to me one year ago I would have told you that I was sure I'd be okay eventually, but I didn't really believe it. Now, one year and two days later, damaged but no longer bleeding (that's how you get scars, which are, as everyone knows, way cool), I can say that God has brought me through and the worst is past and my future is ahead.

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.